Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is a short-term
treatment approach utilized to create the reconnection between
partners. EFT, developed by Susan Johnson and Les Greenberg, is
based on John Bowlby’s Attachment research over 50 years ago.
Bowlby found that humans and higher primate animals appeared to
have an innate need to feel attached to and comforted by
significant others.
For more information on EFT, please click here: www.iceeft.com
Adult attachment
relationships are believed to have the same survival function as
the mother-child bond, since ideally these attachments can
provide the same love, comfort, support, and protection
throughout the lifespan. However, due to our relationship
histories, and the negative interaction cycles we get into with
our partners, many of us have difficulties with trust and
expressing emotions to those who mean the most to us.
When couples argue about such issues as jealousy, sex or money,
the origins of these arguments are usually some form of protest
from one partner about not feeling connected, not trusting, or
not feeling safe or secure in the relationship. When those we are
attached to are not available, or are not responding to our needs
to feel close or supported, we feel distressed. We may become
anxious, fearful, numb or distant.
These
behaviors can become habitual or rigid modes of reacting to our
partners. Furthermore, these toxic behavior patterns seem to take
on a life of their own as they cycle into repetitive couple’s
interactions that cause much pain, injury and despair. EFT
focuses on these patterns and begins changing the negative
interaction cycles in a non-judgmental environment.
In a relatively short time, couples begin to recognize and
eventually express their needs for love, support, protection and
comfort that are often hidden or disguised by the harsh or angry
words used in repetitive self-defeating patterns, conflict or
arguments with each other. Partners begin to “listen with the
heart,” one of the cornerstones of EFT - which means listening
not for the literal meaning of a partner’s words, but for the
feelings that lie beneath. In return, the other partner is better
able to respond from their heart in kind. This is the emotional
focus of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
The building of “a safe haven” in your relationship is the
primary task that leads to focusing on your primary needs - to
feel close, secure and responded to. Once this safe haven and
feelings of connection are re-established, you will be better
able to manage conflict and the painful or difficult feelings
that will inevitable arise from time to time in a close
relationship. Furthermore, without so much defensiveness, each of
you will be able to send clearer messages and will be better able
to hear the other’s perspective. As a couple you will begin to
collaborate, problem-solve, and compromise -- you’ll be more of a
team. This is the secret of a long-lived, successful
marriage/relationship!
